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Sooooo LONG! [05 Jun 2008|05:50pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Its been FOREVER since i've posted anything on this site i think maybe like 2 years.
And the sad thing about it, is that there are no updates.
Except that i've learned to care less and stop repeating my storys and heartache endings. I have grown as a person for that i am grateful, I have seen the light and know- that this is not my ending. The road that i am traveling on- shows me to the world that ive feared for a long time in my life and now is when i can openly accept it with open arms.
Im at work right now! BLAH.. maybe ill post something else in like 2 more years.


2 shot the bullets| Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

This is my dying day [14 Nov 2006|11:02am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

I cut*I bleed*I scream*I cry*I breathe

Story of my life!

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

Your as welcomed as cancer but my doors always unlocked. [29 Sep 2006|12:42pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Well, today is my last day of work then i am on vacation!!!
For 2 whole weeks, i am very excitied about that- Im going to BOSTON, to visit my godfather and spend time over there- to rethink of everything and spend some time with myself. And hear myself cry and breathe and be one finally with my emotions. Get hopefully get a clear head about everything. Im in such a need to leave JERSEY and just get some clearity on certain things. My horoscope reads today...as follows...
There's an opportunity today for you to slove a long- standing problem. Perhaps a situation will develop that gives you or someone close to you the chance to reconsider a recent decision. Avoiding uncomfortable feelings will not fix anything. Head directly to the center of the storm for the modt immediate solution.
The bold- is the one- that gets to me the most!!
So now i know, i know...im still with the whole tim thing. Now more then every cuz this time- last year. We were on good terms, he called me everynight at 10pm on the DOT. And asked me if ive missed him and what i did. And EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN! But ive missed him... NOW!!!
Hopefully these next two weeks - Will be better then these last 7 months.

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

Its really good to hear your voice. [21 Sep 2006|09:29pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

Although at times, i really have no one else to blame but myself. I do somehow find a way to slighty place the blame on someone other then my miserable self. I understand to the fullest my situation and how and why it's gotten to this point but i cant understand for the life of me- why i cant let it go. I know i must sound like a broken record. I just try so hard to distance myself and not care and it seems the more i exhust myself distancing myself and not caring- the more i get hurt. Its like a catch 22 on the one side yes my armor protects me, the shield is my friend but its get lonely being just me. And all the world on the other side there all laughing and playing and being carelss and crying and smiling. And i do wonder why cant that be me. But then i think of how much of one of those emotions i have felt and being the lonely one behind the armor doesnt seem so bad. I feel like a great part of my life i've spent it crying, mourning...mourning my youth, my father, my sister, my best friend, my life, my heart. I just mourn. And then i look over and i want to smiling and laughing- but im so used to crying and mourning why trade the familular with the unfamilular. Im comfortable, miserable yet comfortable. Depression is about the one and only thing that hasnt let me down, its what i know, its what ive lived. I dont feel me without my depression. I need to let my heart bleed, cuz all this holding in...doesnt help. Theres so much going on with my life- that i cant tell anyone. I cant talk about my feels about this guy b/c theres nothing to talk about. He's married and no one knows what happened or how we or i felt. No one really cares. And i understand and im so greatful for my gordo- but one thing he has got to understand is this.. its my heart. And maybe one day- ill be one of the careless, smiling and laughing bunch. But for right now- my depression suits me just fine. Why, cuz IM MILICENT.
I ♥ G.A.

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

[19 Sep 2006|09:22am]
This whole new look for LJ is giving me a headache.
Its ok..myspace owns me anyway.
Ohh BTW...ive decided to just burn the bridge with him.
Its been 7 months who am i kidding! LET IT GO!
Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

[14 Sep 2006|08:37am]
I swear to you!!!!
More reasons to leave ORITANI SAVINGS BANK...lourdes!!!
She keeps fucking with me!!!!! and pissing me off.
Its gonna make me accept the head teller position at commerce bank that i was offered!
Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

[ mood | determined ]


Why cant i just let it go.
No matter how many times i DO say it, and try my hardest to believe it- i can only sike myself out so much. And lets just say ive reached my limit.
Why i still go to A&P...have no clue. Seriously, i cant really cant use marge as an excuse anymore cuz if i really really wanted to stay away from A&P i could. Cause that whole crap about her letters and shit...PLEASE, i could just drop them off at her mailbox just the same, and save myself the time and gas rather then driving all the way to A&P. But im a idiot who loves to inflict pain on one's self. Airgo my many many tattoos. i really dont need to go to A&P but i do. Cause i guess the slip second that i see him IS worth the many months following of torture that ill put myself thru.
I know it sounds crazy and stupid. And ive tried so many different ways to make it look like im not insane and yea, doesnt work. I dont know what it is. I do however keep blaming it on the fact that i dont have any closure, how far thats gonna take me - i dont know, but im sticking with that for awhile. But for how long can i honestly run with that. I need answers and i need stability and if he is not willing on giving it to me, i have to demand it. I have to close what he left opened. I need to brake free from this confusion. On some level,i do honestly wanna be like i wanna hear you say it outta your own mouth, ITS DONE, OVER. So that i could finally FULLY move on. But im also scared that, thats actually what i'll hear. So the one thing that im dying to hear is that one thing im scared the most of hearing. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO ANYONE?????? Its like, yea...i have it in my head that its over but my heart keeps fighting with my head, like wait a minute...maybe or what if. I dont want maybe or what if, i want facts!!! But then if my heart sees and feels what my head as been knowing along, i think i might just lay down and die. Cause then theres no way around it, theres no opened window for more second guessing...theres my fact. And i cant do nothing but run with it. But im scared, cuz i dont want my heart to face the facts that my head has. In A&P about 2 days ago, i went with a friend of mine Tabby. I stood in the front-end talking to my old manager, i see him walk pass but through the back of the store. Tell me why 3 seconds later he was up at the front of the store. And having to leave the store the same time i did. SEE TABITA, IM NOT CRAZY!!! YOUR MY WITNESS!!! Why cant he just let me go- fully, completely and full heart-ly. I just need my closure..and depending on my sudden short outbursts lately, it needs to happen soon. But can my heart take it. Yea, its a strong ticker- hey, if it mended with JAVIEAL...it'll mend with his. And hopefully, one day soon- the edge of sword wont be sharp enough for me to bleed.
But i always say "When you begin to destory someone you should do it completely"

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

everyone i knew was waiting on a Q to turn and run when all i needed was the truth. [17 Aug 2006|08:26am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

So, you would honestly think that i'd learn by now...the second time around. I, who live by these words "people always leave" how dare i think- things were different that you were different. But just by the drop of a dime - Its over. Yesterday at such far distance- with no words- no glances- no anything and nothing. You killed me.
I honestly hate you- but hate myself for allowing it to get this far. For allowing me to fall so deep and so hard, with someone as consumed with prior arrangements such as yourself. Shame on ME.
Yesterday, i could honestly say- is what i needed. Fuck! 6 months of not talking to me, i handled it pretty fucking well. Fuck! not seeing you everyday like i used too, i survived that also. But seeing you hang out- that no, im sorry i couldnt let that one slip away. I am confused
I am angered I am lost I am betrayed I am hurt. And yesterday the TABLES have turned. You may not know it- you might not even care, but it is I who is not SPEAKING to you. You fucking jerk!!!
You deserve the worst but im gonna wish you the best.
"You wanna deny me in front of your friends, ill deny you in front of my father."

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

[15 Aug 2006|09:10pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Im alive!!!

Well, Kinda....

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

I just wanna thank you, from the bottom of my heart... [05 Aug 2006|04:50pm]
[ mood | bored ]


*********6 Months***********
*******Best time YET!*******
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Those big brown lying eyes...still draw me in.

Happy b-day Michael, I love you!

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

I'd rather bleed cuts of love then live without any scars [28 Jul 2006|11:41am]
[ mood | depressed ]


He texted back..."THANK YOU"

That's it...Its done.

Did i expect anything more then not? MAYBE - jokes on me.

But now, im done wondering. No more second guessing.

Or thinking what couldve been. Its done.

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

U had been the one for me. [26 Jul 2006|08:41am]
[ mood | confused ]


2 days and counting...

Still wrecking my head- with this one question....


Well, actually i have one day cuz IF im gonna text- its gonna be tomorrow after 12 pm.

ARGGGG....decisions, decisions!!!!

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

I wish you were a stranger i could disengage. [20 Jul 2006|01:49pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Still alive, well... kinda!

So its been a really lonnnggg time since ive updated on this thing. Myspace owns me! Almost forgot i had a livejournal. Its funny i read back to my very first entry till now- and its all the same. Same bullshit- juss a different person, different year...same old ending.
Since my best friend will is locked up- ive been really venting and writing to him, about all my shit. I need someone to talk too- someone who will show me things that i cant see for myself. Not for nothing, but things i did see- juss didnt wanna believe. I didnt want it to get this far. I didnt wanna care, i didnt wanna lose my heart in a neverending battle. I didnt wanna surrender, or give up. I didnt wanna cry- i didnt wanna lie, i didnt want him to go, i wouldve never let go! But shit happens. But you would think by now, I'd be completely flat on my face. Eh, i thought so too. I've come a long away. And if the decision is to continue this game and stick to what we both now is right. Then thats ok. Im learning to love in differnent ways and im giving people a chance. If i know im meant to be open, i need to stop shutting them out. But memories fade further but the pain remains the same. I cant put down my armor and put this dagger down. Although, i'd rather bleed cuts of love...then live without any scars. Cuz what doesnt kill you, makes you stronger. Of course we've all heard it before...but do u live by it. Im beginning too. Theres no one else, i have to impress but my damn self. No one else i have to love but my damn self. I get major points for breathing in and out. But despite all your best intentions, fate wins anyway. The clock is counting down, and soon- the grand design shall be revealed. Our lives will be layed out in front of us, for how its al suppose to end, Some ending might suck, some might not make any sense, some might be like WTF!, Some might end in beauty, some in hell. You cant chose it, juss gotta flow with it. And pray like hell for the best. Cuz if you dont pray of the best, the worst will surely come.
P.s. His b-day is coming up... should i text?

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

I wish i could touch you again, i wish i could still call you a friend. [17 Jun 2006|10:22am]
[ mood | crappy ]

Stupid me!
You know, its been 4 months since we've spoken...i mean actually spoken. And yes, it kills me! but outta the 4 whole months of not seeing each other nor speaking- we saw each other twice. And one time it was a mistake, cuz he was SUPPOSED to be OFF! And then yesterday and both times, i was there and did my hardest for him not to see me at all. Both muthafuckin times,he spoke to me. SERIOUSLY!!!! DONT DO IT! Dont say "hey or how's it going?" Dont talk to me at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is the point... come on now- theres no reason too. Its done and over with... you made your mind up... you got married. And thats it, just cuz im there in the store doesnt mean- its an open ticket to start trying to conversate with me. No, damnit..NO! Just leave it alone, leave me alone... YOU stopped calling, YOU stopped talking, YOU stopped caring, YOU stopped, not me... YOU! So why are you even saying 1 word to me. Dont tell me "HEY". PRETEND im Died, better yet- dont pretend cuz you have killed me. Its like you seem to know that my heart's quite not broken enough. And then you attack. But SERIOUSLY... ive been avoiding the places were we'd have to meet. I avoided it 4 months, first time stopping by cuz i had to give marg her fucking letter! Damn bro! SEROIUSLY- DONT BOTHER. Dont look in my direction, Dont breathe my name, Dont have me cross thru your mind. PLEASE TIM, Let me live!

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

i see your face, its hunting me [15 Jun 2006|08:58am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Im still alive, sorry that ive kinda disappeared. But i needed to have some me time and failed with flying colors. I need to breath which is why, i can not WAIT for the 22nd im hitting up six flags because my fave band is performing. I have to see taking back sunday, i feel as if my sanity is counting on it. My depression has gone futher then my own control, i feel as if im losing grip of everything. Like a sand effect- slipping thru ma fingers. So i need TAKING BACK SUNDAY. Im also planning on putting a sun roof in ma car, for the summer thats gonna cost me a nice pretty penny! about 475 pretty pennies. Tomorrow is payday- whooooo fucking hoooo. I went on a p.t. interview on rt 17 for creami its a pontic and gmc car dealership as a recpionist. I pretty much think i got it, but the thing is do i really want to da that comute and a half. Not really bro. Depends on how much ma pay would be, so i gotta see. Still thinking bout it. Someday hopefully, i will finally see and understand this fucking life and world. I feel just lost, semi broken, and feel like my head is about to cave in. My heart had stopped beating, i lost my place. *EVERY SECOND IM WITHOUT YOU IMMA MESS* .... thou i know nothing is in stone and papers could be ripped and vows could be broken, and love can fade. I loved you watching me fall. Choking on embers- wasnt anything new to me. See, damn... gotta go see tbs... all this shit dude. I gotta stop, i gotta scream.

2 shot the bullets| Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

[30 May 2006|09:12pm]
[ mood | calm ]

The only way out, is to make it through.

Its funny how since May 20th, i havent smiled or laughed. Yet one call from my best friend is all it took for the faded laughter and disappearing smile to reappear! I love him...my best friend! The best BEST friend in the world!

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

My heart hurts [20 May 2006|05:57pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Ok, so i knew that this day was coming. And i THOUGHT i was prepared for it. I thought i was able and ready and willing to conquer it all. I thought i was done and over with it, i didnt mean for my legs to cave in. I didnt mean for my heart to brake, i didnt mean to care, i didnt mean to cry. But somehow walking in there i knew, the second- i didnt see him there. I went home and told girl what i felt and what i thought. And then a phone call from marge just shot a dart right through my heart. She told me, "that jerry wasnt there with her cuz he went to the stupid wedding" and im all like "WHAT WEDDING?" marge goes, "oh please, dont even try it" and yea- i knew it , i felt it. She said Jerry didnt even feel like going b/c he didnt invite marge to go. And from that moment- i felt empty and sooo hurt! i really wanna disconect my heart and bleed my own heart out! im so stupid and i wish i could wish him happiness but why should i. How could he be so happy when im sad and broken down. This is a fucking wreckage! and i dont feel like typing anymore. I wanna go home and cryyyyy and see the botton of the bottle!

1 shot the bullet| Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

have you ever heard me scream, I LOVE YOU?! [11 May 2006|09:17pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

*Love doesnt hurt, so i know im not falling in love - im just falling to pieces.*

Its something, i cant get my head around!
Hung out with NiNi today, it was cool. Stopped by A&P so he could say hello to everyone. And why on a THURSDAY ... a fuckin' THURSDAY is someone working!!!!! HE WAS THERE!!! He wasnt suppose to be workin' today. Why is this universe againt me!!!!!! ?????!!!!!
Thats why i was all willing nilly to go bring him to A&P, cuz i "KNEW" he was off today. Oh boy did that bite me in the ass ever so hard!
I was reading a mag (had shakira on the cover) so i was allll into it. N do you know that feeling when you feel someones eyes on you? Yea, well i felt that... n i looked up to see who the hell was burning a hole in me, and it was him.... Words came outta his mouth... shocking... yes i know! He goes "Hey, how's it going?" Are you fucking kidding me right now. Do you really wanna know how its going? cuz i couldve fucking went off on him right there. And i swear to you, i couldve swore to the high HEAVEN'S my thoughts and feelings about him/ toward him were dead. Yea.... I'd say NO!
Bro, my knees got weak- no lie, i felt like my knees were about to cave in!!! My legs just lost stabitiy... I couldnt understand it! What da fuck happened? That wasnt suppose to happen. I got all shakey and nervous. And i felt my face get red. I thought TIME HAD A WAY!! Why hasnt it fucking worked for me!?!?!?! It wont matter anyway. Im more pissed at myself right now.

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

SAY I--------IIIIIIII!!!! [10 May 2006|09:44pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

I hate when people lie...cause the TRUTH eventually comes to surface, and it has shown to be prov-en time and time again. So why do it? Only to postpone the inevitable? So i get more and more annoyed!
STOP LYING!!!!!!!!!!! It does no one any good. You made a mistake- a stupid and non-responsible mistake...You paid! So--con'tin' to lie, only makes you more guilty and less of a human! & a HELL of a lot less trust worthy .... of thoughts, secrets and currency!
This bullshit cant be.
BENT MYSELF BACKWARDS...DEFENIN' .... Defendin' a trader.


I hate people-- right now- Get at me in a day or sumthin'!

Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

texted me [28 Apr 2006|09:54pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I cant deny anymore!

My birthday was April 24th and i am now 22 years old.. GOD DAMN!
Anyway my point is, its 2 months that we havent spoken, yet i wake up the morning of my birthday and i see i have a text and its from him. It says "Happy birthday", and i honestly i didnt know how to feel or react to that. Like 2 whole MONTHS pass...with no talking nor seeing...nothing. Yet on my birthday- you remembered my birthday! Which im trying to damn hard- to not let that hope in- bout you caring and shit... cuz maybe you were just being polite. So i replied back "thank you" didnt know what else to right, i didnt think it was an ice breaker. Its just a mystery. Why did he text me on the most important day of my life...MY BIRTHDAY! After 2 months. i hate him.

1 shot the bullet| Best friend means i pulled the trigger.

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