WiZzYhEaD (wizzyhead) wrote,

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Why cant i just let it go.
No matter how many times i DO say it, and try my hardest to believe it- i can only sike myself out so much. And lets just say ive reached my limit.
Why i still go to A&P...have no clue. Seriously, i cant really cant use marge as an excuse anymore cuz if i really really wanted to stay away from A&P i could. Cause that whole crap about her letters and shit...PLEASE, i could just drop them off at her mailbox just the same, and save myself the time and gas rather then driving all the way to A&P. But im a idiot who loves to inflict pain on one's self. Airgo my many many tattoos. i really dont need to go to A&P but i do. Cause i guess the slip second that i see him IS worth the many months following of torture that ill put myself thru.
I know it sounds crazy and stupid. And ive tried so many different ways to make it look like im not insane and yea, doesnt work. I dont know what it is. I do however keep blaming it on the fact that i dont have any closure, how far thats gonna take me - i dont know, but im sticking with that for awhile. But for how long can i honestly run with that. I need answers and i need stability and if he is not willing on giving it to me, i have to demand it. I have to close what he left opened. I need to brake free from this confusion. On some level,i do honestly wanna be like i wanna hear you say it outta your own mouth, ITS DONE, OVER. So that i could finally FULLY move on. But im also scared that, thats actually what i'll hear. So the one thing that im dying to hear is that one thing im scared the most of hearing. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO ANYONE?????? Its like, yea...i have it in my head that its over but my heart keeps fighting with my head, like wait a minute...maybe or what if. I dont want maybe or what if, i want facts!!! But then if my heart sees and feels what my head as been knowing along, i think i might just lay down and die. Cause then theres no way around it, theres no opened window for more second guessing...theres my fact. And i cant do nothing but run with it. But im scared, cuz i dont want my heart to face the facts that my head has. In A&P about 2 days ago, i went with a friend of mine Tabby. I stood in the front-end talking to my old manager, i see him walk pass but through the back of the store. Tell me why 3 seconds later he was up at the front of the store. And having to leave the store the same time i did. SEE TABITA, IM NOT CRAZY!!! YOUR MY WITNESS!!! Why cant he just let me go- fully, completely and full heart-ly. I just need my closure..and depending on my sudden short outbursts lately, it needs to happen soon. But can my heart take it. Yea, its a strong ticker- hey, if it mended with JAVIEAL...it'll mend with his. And hopefully, one day soon- the edge of sword wont be sharp enough for me to bleed.
But i always say "When you begin to destory someone you should do it completely"
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