Although at times, i really have no one else to blame but myself. I do somehow find a way to slighty place the blame on someone other then my miserable self. I understand to the fullest my situation and how and why it's gotten to this point but i cant understand for the life of me- why i cant let it go. I know i must sound like a broken record. I just try so hard to distance myself and not care and it seems the more i exhust myself distancing myself and not caring- the more i get hurt. Its like a catch 22 on the one side yes my armor protects me, the shield is my friend but its get lonely being just me. And all the world on the other side there all laughing and playing and being carelss and crying and smiling. And i do wonder why cant that be me. But then i think of how much of one of those emotions i have felt and being the lonely one behind the armor doesnt seem so bad. I feel like a great part of my life i've spent it crying, mourning...mourning my youth, my father, my sister, my best friend, my life, my heart. I just mourn. And then i look over and i want to smiling and laughing- but im so used to crying and mourning why trade the familular with the unfamilular. Im comfortable, miserable yet comfortable. Depression is about the one and only thing that hasnt let me down, its what i know, its what ive lived. I dont feel me without my depression. I need to let my heart bleed, cuz all this holding in...doesnt help. Theres so much going on with my life- that i cant tell anyone. I cant talk about my feels about this guy b/c theres nothing to talk about. He's married and no one knows what happened or how we or i felt. No one really cares. And i understand and im so greatful for my gordo- but one thing he has got to understand is this.. its my heart. And maybe one day- ill be one of the careless, smiling and laughing bunch. But for right now- my depression suits me just fine. Why, cuz IM MILICENT. P.S. GREYS ANATOMY FUCKING ROCKKKKKEEEEEDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ♥ G.A.